Codependence, Independence, Interdependence — What's Best for Love ?

• We all relate to one another in different ways. Some people are very independent in relationships, others are dependent, and a number of people are co-dependent (which means they put aside their own well-being to maintain a relationship with another) and the higher consciousness ones are interdependent.
• The fallacy of romantic love is that your “soulmate” will somehow accept responsibility for your negative emotions and make you happy.
• What’s the use of falling in love if you both remain inertly as-you-were?
• The question resonates because it speaks to a central necessity of love — at its truest and most potent, love invariably does change us, deconditioning our painful pathologies and elevating us toward our highest human potential. It allows us, “to break across our solitude, and then, if we’re lucky, [be] finally transformed into something firmer.”
• But in the romantic ideal upon which our modern mythos of love is built, the solidity of that togetherness is taken to such an extreme as to render love fragile. When lovers are expected to fuse together so closely and completely, mutuality mutates into a paralyzing codependence — a calcified and rigid firmness that becomes brittle to the possibility of growth. In the most nourishing kind of love, the communion of togetherness coexists with an integrity of individuality, the two aspects always in dynamic and fluid dialogue. Why is love rich beyond all other possible human experiences and a sweet burden to those seized in its grasp? Because we become what we love and yet remain ourselves.”
• This difficult balance of intimacy and independence is best described in the following passage 

Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow. 

Lets understand the Difficult Balance of Intimacy, Codependence, Independence and Interdependence: The Secret to a Loving and Lasting Relationship

CODEPENDENT - The state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else. 

• It’s OK to be codependent. It’s not a bad thing.
• Well… maybe it’s not morally bad. But leaves you with the problem of how to control some other person’s behavior because that’s the only way you can make yourself feel the way you want to feel.
• And that’s no way to live.
• The codependent myth is very popular, because it promises so much — i.e., that our partners will love us the way that our mothers did when we were infants.
• As babies, we could not communicate our needs. We could only cry. Our parents took responsibility for figuring out how we felt, and how to make us happy.
• The co-dependent myth of romantic love says that, if only we can find our true soulmates, then they will love us the same way — without requiring anything of us.
• The classic, romantic myth of co-dependent love is dangerous garbage
• When we believe that anyone other than ourselves is responsible for our emotions, then the only way we can protect ourselves from negative emotions is by controlling their behavior. It means that when we feel bad, we have to manipulate other people into behaving in ways that will make us feel better.
• Codependent relationships are not healthy and do not allow partners room to be themselves, to grow, and to be autonomous. These unhealthy relationships involve one or both partners relying heavily on the other and the relationship for their sense of self, feelings of worthiness, and overall emotional well-being. There are often feelings of guilt and shame for one or both partners when the relationship is not going well.
• [Codependency involves] someone who has lost their core sense of self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling.
• In relationships a very dependent person avoids making decisions, always defers to the other, even when it might be personally harmful, and feels that their emotions depend entirely on what happens with the other person.
• Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within.  There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:
• Dependence on substances, such as food, drugs, or alcohol, to fill the emptiness and take away the pain.
• Dependency on processes such as spending, gambling, or TV, also to fill the emptiness and take away pain.
• Dependence on money to define one’s worth and adequacy.
• Dependence on getting someone’s love, approval, or attention to feel worthy, adequate, lovable, and safe.
• Dependence on sex to fill emptiness and feel adequate.

When you do not take responsibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own inner sense of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy, and safe externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or from substances or processes. Emotional dependency is the opposite of taking personal responsibility for one’s emotional wellbeing.

Traits of a codependent relationship include things like:

• Poor/no boundaries
• People-pleasing behaviors
• Reactivity
• Unhealthy, ineffective communication
• Manipulation
• Difficulty with emotional intimacy
• Controlling behaviors
• Blaming each other
• Low self-esteem of one or both partners
• No personal interests or goals outside the relationship.

INDEPENDENCE - Not dependent; free; not subject to control by others; not relying on others; not subordinate; as, few men are wholly independent.

• The interim step out of co-dependence is INdependence, which requires us to each take responsibility for our own emotions. The difficulty with independence is that it prevents us from forming healthy attachments.

ABOUT INDEPENDENT PEOPLE

• When a person , man or woman, do not let the circumstances / situations / people overpower them, they become self reliant and independent. Not everybody has the will to be that resilient. Everyone's life has a story. Either they become victim or they fight it out . I believe there is fight in each one of us. But not everyone can live that fight. Also the scale of everyone's fight is also different. Obviously one has to be wise to choose the fights one wishes to fight. 
• Here is the thing about hyper independent people that people don't seem to realise. They weren't born this way. They were made this way. The emotional validations that they seemed when they were children were not given to them. So they realised that instead of asking for it, it's easier to just find it within ourselves. They grow up being accustomed to being let down by those who are supposed to love them the most. So eventually they realise that they don't need anyone. They have that mentality when it comes to romantic partners as well . They don't need you , we want you. If you give them an excuse to leave, they will. They're not going to wait around for you to change. They're not going to chase you. They're never going to ask for your help. They're always going to say don't worry about it I got it. They are not alone in the do it for your self mindset. Being raised how they were, they taught themself to “figure it out on my own” do it yourself. No one did it for them. Even as they got older it was never relying on others to do anything for them ever. The thing is, they are strong and independent because they had no other choice but to be. They always wanted someone to be their safe safe place which could call my nest. , but it’s a space that is not easy to fill. 

• If you find one of these men / women, make sure your actions match up to your words. 

The independent person takes personal responsibility for their actions and emotions. What does it mean to take emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent?

• Primarily, it means recognizing that your feelings come from your own thoughts, beliefs, and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.
• For example, let’s say someone you care about gets angry at you.
• If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection are coming from the other’s anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious, inadequate, ashamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feelings in response to the other’s anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to not be angry in an effort to feel better.
• However, if you are emotionally independent and responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is to tell yourself that another person’s anger has nothing to do with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the other’s anger, it is about them rather than about you.
• An emotionally responsible person does not take others’ behavior personally, knowing that you have no control over others’ feelings and behavior, and that you do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do - that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as you are for yours.
• The next thing an emotionally responsible person might do is move into compassion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other person. For example, you might say, “I don’t like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?” If the person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally responsible person, you would take loving action in your own behalf. 
• For example, you might say, “I’m unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to take a walk (or hang up the phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). An emotionally responsible person gets out of range of attack rather than trying to change the other person.
• Once out of range, the emotionally responsible person goes inside and explores any painful feelings that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally responsible person embraces the feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace.
• Rather than being a victim of the other’s behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.
• When you realize that your feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships. Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional responsibility.

INTERDEPENDENCE -  Mutually dependent; depending on each other.

This following one sentence, gives us a glimpse of a higher relationship state, which I call INTERdependence:

There’s a difference between coming to each other as individuals with free will, who add to each others’ lives — and depending on one another for care.

• Interdependence is a dynamic of being mutually and physically responsible to and sharing a common set of principles with others. This concept differs distinctly from "dependence" in that an interdependent relationship implies that participants are emotionally, economically, ecologically and or morally "interdependent."
• Some people advocate freedom or independence as a sort of ultimate good; others do the same with devotion to one's family, community, or society. Interdependence recognizes the truth in each position and weaves them together. Two people that cooperate with each other are said to be interdependent. It can also be defined as the interconnectedness and the reliance on one another socially, economically, emotionally and environmentally.
• Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality in relationships. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individuals, but they won't be good partners. They're not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage and family. 
• While independence is a very difficult and important developmental stage in human development — a dramatic step up from dependence, as anyone who has teens and two-year-olds will tell you— it is not the ultimate goal of maturity.
• As we mature, life encourages us to bring the healthy individuality (which we developed through our independence) into relationships and networks which involve a lot of healthy interdependence. People use words like mutuality, community and synergy to describe this good kind of interdependence.
• Nature is a great model of interdependence. Today you, like me, are breathing hundreds of gallons of invisible oxygen, a gift from our plant kin, to whom we return hundreds of gallons of that stuffy carbon dioxide that they love so much (thank heavens for diversity!). Meanwhile, the flowers are gifting nectar to the bees, who return the favor by pollinating the flowers.
• And we have to face it: While rabbits are staving off foxly hunger, the foxes are keeping the rabbits from overgrazing their bioregion so that their species can continue to thrive. It all fits, one way or another, in dense webs of interdependence.
• But interdependence is social, as well. Couples need to find a healthy balance between being an independent healthy “I” — that can self-regulate and take personal responsibility — and a collaborative “We” — which can get household tasks done, childrearing demands met, and share the ups and downs of life. 
• Interdependence requires two people who have already taken responsibility for their own emotions (i.e, independence) and still realize that they can be even happier together. The challenge to achieving interdependence is that at first it feels like slipping back into co-dependence. It’s hard to tell the difference between co-dependence and interdependence, because at first all we know is that neither one of them is independence, and soooo much relationship advice (including Kris gage) focuses on establishing independence.
• Most people don’t even understand that interdependence exists or that it’s desirable. All they know is whether they’re independent or not, so they spend a lot of time and energy trying to maintain independence out of the fear that otherwise they’d wind up codependent.
• The healthiest way we can interact with those close to us is by being truly interdependent. This is where two people, both strong individuals, are involved with each other, but without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values. What they have is a balanced relationship, and unfortunately it is not all that common. But it is attainable with just a little awareness and understanding.
• First you need to assess where you are right now. If there is too much neediness (which can be a turn-off) or you feel that your partner is way too independent and doesn’t want to be with you, rebalancing how you relate is very important. Without it, both of you will always feel out of sync, and that isn’t a great formula for a harmonious adult connection.
• Once you have established where you are, begin looking at how you got there. Ask each other some questions like “Did this start because of an argument?” or “Is this what you really want?” and “How can we make it better for both of us?”
• Getting clarity before embarking on a journey of change is imperative. Create some of your own questions that are specific to your relationship and lifestyle. If one of you travels, the two of you will have different issues from couples who are around each other 24/7. Every relationship is different, and there are a myriad of things couples can do to make things better if they both want to. And therein lies the rub.
• Sometimes, when the person we are with has displayed behaviors that make us uncomfortable or cause us pain, we think that we really don’t want things to be different; we just want them to be over. And that can be a huge, painful and life-altering decision.
• What couples need to learn to do is talk about what they are feeling and make the necessary adjustments so that both people can feel better. First, though, you have to step out of your stubbornness and let the healing happen.
• The best motivation for this is to realize that when your other-half feels good about your relationship, so will you. Realize that the changes you are contemplating are not just for another person or even your relationship; you are also making them for yourself. That isn’t selfish, it’s appropriate. It is also part of what makes interdependence a laudable goal for your relationship.
• People can live in unbalanced relationships for a lifetime. What they don’t see is that by making some simple realizations and changes about the way you relate to your partner, you can change your entire life for the better.
• Living in an interdependent relationship gives you both respect and nurturing. What a nice way to go through life.

How to Build a Relationship Based on Interdependence

• Most of us value connection with others, especially in our romantic relationships. In fact, we are wired for connection and it allows us to create bonds and intimacy with our partner. The success of long-term relationships depends heavily on the quality of our emotional connection with each other.
• When we think of our ideal relationships we often think of a wonderful, close, lifelong relationship with our most important person. How do we build that kind of relationship? That cozy, safe, long-term bond with someone who we know has our back for the long haul? A relationship that gives us the freedom to be ourselves, that supports our growth and allows us to have flexibility with each other?
• One of the key elements is understanding the difference between interdependence and codependence.

What Is Interdependence?

• Interdependence (or interdependency) suggests that partners recognize and value the importance of the emotional bond they share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the relationship dynamic.
• An interdependent person recognizes the value of vulnerability, being able to turn to their partner in meaningful ways to create emotional intimacy. They also value a sense of self that allows them and their partner to be themselves without any need to compromise who they are or their values system.
• Being dependent on another person can sound scary or even unhealthy. Growing up, we are often taught an over-inflated value of independence, to be somewhat self-contained, with a high value placed on not needing others for emotional support.
• As valuable as having a sense of independence is, taken to an extreme, this can actually get in the way of us being able to connect emotionally with others in a meaningful way. Emotional intimacy with a partner can be difficult to achieve, even scary or not seen as particularly valuable in a relationship, for those who have an extraordinary sense of independence.

Interdependence Is Not Codependence

• Interdependence is not the same thing as being codependent. A codependent person tends to rely heavily on others for their sense of self and well-being. There is no ability for that person to distinguish where they end and their partner begins, there is an enmeshed sense of responsibility to another person to meet their needs and/or for their partner to meet all of their needs to feel okay about who they are.

Why Interdependence Is Healthy for a Relationship

• Interdependence involves a balance of self and others within the relationship, recognizing that both partners are working to be present and meet each other's physical and emotional needs in appropriate and meaningful ways.
• Partners are not demanding of one another and they do not look to their partner for feelings of worthiness. Interdependency gives each partner space to maintain a sense of self, room to move toward each other in times of need and the freedom to make these decisions without fear of what will happen in the relationship.

Characteristics of an Interdependent Relationship

A healthy, interdependent relationship has several features. Here are a few things to look for in a healthy relationship that is not codependent.

• Healthy boundaries
• Active listening
• Time for personal interests
• Clear communication
• Taking personal responsibility for behaviors
• Creating safety for each other to be vulnerable
• Engaging and responding to each other
• Healthy self-esteem
• Being open and approachable with each other

When partners feel cherished and valued, the relationship becomes a safe haven and a place where the couple can be interdependent. They understand that they are not alone in the relationship, can turn toward each other safely in times of need, and feel secure that their partner will be present.

How to Build an Interdependent Relationship

• The key to building an interdependent relationship is to be mindful of who you are from the beginning. Many times people are looking for or entering relationships simply to avoid feeling alone, without any personal reflection of who they are, what they value, and their goals for the relationship.
• Taking time for this kind of personal reflection allows you to enter a new relationship with an awareness of self that is critical for the establishment of a relationship based on interdependency.
• It is important to maintain a sense of self in your intimate relationships by following ways:
• Knowing what you like and what matters to you
• Not being afraid to ask for what you want
• Spend time with friends and family
• Continue pursuing your personal goals
• Be mindful of your values
• Make time for hobbies and interests
• Don't be afraid to say "no"
• Don't keep yourself small or hidden to please others

Allowing your partner room and opportunity to do these same things will be the key to establishing a healthy, interdependent relationship. Starting your relationship in this way can allow for the development of a safe space for both partners to learn how to turn toward each other intimately without fear of losing themselves or being controlled or manipulated.

Nurturing Healthy Interdependence

• Interdependence needs dialogues where the couple learns from each other, weaving your lives, stories and hearts together and discovering new understandings and possibilities you could never have found alone. You can experience a near-magical interdependence through good dialogue in your relationships, in your groups and organizations, and in your neighborhoods and communities.  
• To nurture interdependence you need to practice putting yourself in the other’s shoes, to learn and encourage in yourself empathy and compassion. You need to leave your ego out the door of your home and think of what is good for all in the family.
• In a way, Interdependence is the balance between Dependence and Independence. We need a healthy dose of them too, but not in their extreme forms. Interdependence mediates this and helps couples become “we” without losing their individuality. 

So if we were to write a “Declaration of Interdependence” for couples, it would go something like this:

We hold this truth to be self-evident:

We are Both.

In This.

Together.

Therefore we live this truth

in our lives, homes and communities,

and thrive together into a future

that we create together.

We are the intimacy

that is awakening

to both the fact and the opportunity

of our interdependence —

fully, finally and beyond a shadow of doubt.

We are the words

which are making

ourselves into a special relationship

that works for us as a couple and for our family.

Because we know the Greatest Secret

of all:

"We are Both

in this

together."