Please Don’t Misunderstand Me: Redefining the 21st-Century Man

Men often feel misunderstood in these situations. Why?

1. The 21st-century man doesn’t care about your appearance nearly as much as you think. Guess what? We know the models in the magazines aren’t real. Oddly enough, a woman who centers her life on surface beauty and lacks depth isn’t attractive. She’s just a shell, and we want what’s inside the package. We do want you to make an effort, but one that accentuates your own best features. There’s no need to starve yourself down to Kate Moss weight or style yourself to match the model in a Photoshopped spread. So relax and enjoy your dessert. Here are some things we do find attractive in women: a warm smile, laughter, lack of self-consciousness about your looks, a healthy appetite, clothes you’re comfortable in (especially shoes), loving your body as it is, taking good care of yourself, not comparing yourself to others, and confidence in your own opinion about what makes you look good.
2. The 21st-century man has feelings and those feelings can be hurt. We may have hard edges compared to your soft curves, but our egos are no less fragile and our hearts no less sensitive when they get hammered. We’re steady and reliable, but we’re not the emotional equivalent of granite. Before you say, “You’re a man, you can take it,” think again. Poke a stick at us, and we feel pain. We may not express upset in the same way you do, because we’ve been conditioned to suck it up and suffer silently, to cry on the inside. But our silence doesn’t mean your words didn’t sting us, and we may be feeling wounded and suppressing rage. We need you to be respectful of our feelings and tuned to our moods just as much as you need this from us, and we also don’t want a relationship that’s only about your emotions. Give us the space and security to express our full range of feelings, and you’ll be rewarded with a lot more—you guessed it—intimacy.
3. The 21st-century man is not fantasizing about or even interested in every attractive woman (or man) he sees. Honestly, let’s put the whole wandering eyes thing to rest. Turning our heads and glancing or even staring at an attractive woman is not virtual cheating or demeaning you by comparing you to someone born with different features. Men appreciate beauty, in nature, in art, in machines, and in human form, whether it’s next to us or across the room. But just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean we want her—or want her more than we want you. And if we look twice at another man, it doesn’t mean we’re gay or bi. Check your worries. If we’re committed to you and happy in the relationship, no other woman, bombshell or not, constitutes a threat. We actually find insecurity about this unappealing and get frustrated if you self-righteously deny ever sneaking a glance at a hot hunk with a six-pack. A secure man isn’t threatened by your celebrity crushes. If you can’t be secure enough to acknowledge, yes, she is pretty, ask yourself who’s doing the comparing? And if our eyes are truly wandering, it’s not because of the candy but because the relationship isn’t meeting our needs.
4. The average man is not thinking about sex every seven seconds, or even 19 times a day, regardless of what the studies say. Most of us are busy, productive, and engaged in thoughtful, meaningful mind work or useful physical labor that (unless we’re in the porn industry or writing romance novels) keeps our minds off sex. We might think about sex when we’re bored, and we do certainly look forward to it when we know it’s coming, but we’re not some sort of primal, lustful animal constantly thinking about whipping it out, sticking it in, and getting our rocks off. We want sex to be loving, caring, emotional, mutual, and special. We want it to be about companionship. If we initiate, we don’t want to be swatted away and told, “That’s all you ever want.” Believe it or not, sometimes, we actually don’t want it, or we’re too exhausted to perform. And if we fall asleep afterwards and start snoring, it’s not because we’re inconsiderate or dislike pillow talk or don’t appreciate post-coital closeness; it’s just because we’re tired.
5. The 21st-century man respects your independence but needs a woman to let him be a gentleman. Men are wired with the need to feel useful. If you refuse every offer we make to help you with anything, get snarky when we go to open a door or pick up your suitcase, or never let us pay for anything, you’re thwarting our instincts and denying us acts that make us feel good. We’re not patronizing you. We’re expressing our love. We know you can open the door for yourself or shoulder five grocery bags while checking your email and unlocking your car. But we’re creatures of habit, and we’re programmed to be caring  and protective. Letting us do something for you is not a sign of your weakness but an acknowledgment of our strength and our desire to use it to your benefit.
6. The 21st-century man enjoys conversation. We may not like to talk about all the same things, but we do like to talk, and we have a lot to say on topics we feel passionate about. Let’s replace the myth of the strong, silent type with the strong, expressive type. We’re interested in your interests and issues, and we want you to take an interest in ours, too. Not to be harsh, but if we’re not interested, you might stop to consider whether what you’re saying is … boring. It’s a valid question. We may not always initiate conversation, and we appreciate your ability to draw us out. We’d also rather say nothing sometimes than run the risk of boring you. If we have the courage to bring up something sensitive, please have the courtesy not to mock us or shut us down. If you do, you can be sure it won’t happen again. And if a man is uncommunicative, it’s not because he’s a man; it’s because he’s an uncommunicative person. Sometimes, silence is just silence and not emotional withholding.
7. The average man likes to cuddle. Sure, we love sex and especially hot sex. But we thrive on affection. There’s a huge difference between the joy of release—the feeling of being sexually satisfied—and the satisfying feeling of being loved. Embrace us. Cradle our heads in your arms. Run your fingers through our hair (assuming we still have some). And don’t worry that we’ll always interpret your affection as a green light for intercourse then feel like you led us on if you beg off. Consistent affection—not making yourself seem desirable, playing hard to get, or using sex as a reward when we do something nice for you (a distasteful cheapening of making love)—is the most effective way to engage our interest, win our hearts, maintain our trust, and keep us happy.
8. The 21st-century man loves kids and knows how to parent. Changing a diaper is not rocket science, and neither is raising children. Parenting is hard work that requires patience, good judgment, and an abundance of love—three things on which neither gender has the market cornered. And all parents make mistakes. Stop for a minute and think about your own insecurities. Do you ever worry if you’re “a good enough mother?” Now think about how a man feels when you joke, even gently, about how ineffectual he is, especially in front of your kids. Many kids are being raised by two dads, and there’s no evidence that these children are lacking for nurturing or not getting their lunches packed. Expect the 21st-century man to be a full and fully-respected partner in childcare. We might even be that thing some women seem to simultaneously desire and make fun of—a stay-at-home dad.
9. The average man is not stupid when it comes to women. We get relationships. We get women. We get love and commitment and responsibility. We’re capable of understanding your feelings, and we’re capable of an empathic response. Few words make us feel worse than, “Forget it. You wouldn’t understand,” especially when spoken with dismissiveness or contempt. The fastest way to make a man retreat into his shell? Make him feel like a failure. Then complain that he’s stopped trying. We need  your support, not your criticism. As with being talkative, if we don’t get it, it’s not because we were born on Mars or made of snips and snails instead of sugar and spice. It just means we both have to work harder to achieve complete understanding.
10. The 21st-century man is, above all, his own man. We don’t fit a model or a mold. And we’re proud of our uniqueness. We’ve worked hard to reject the stereotypes, to escape from the man box, to define ourselves by our own meaningful standards. This means we don’t want to be typecast or boxed in or compared to other men. Forget about the bad boy, the mama’s boy, the boy toy, the nerd. Drop the tool, the douchebag, the strong-sensitive type, the wimp. We’re neither hero nor clown—just men. Open your minds and broaden your perspective and accept that 21st-century men are more complex and more complete than a simple sobriquet can suggest. Feminism broke women out of stereotyped roles years ago, and as 21st-century men, we want the freedom to be ourselves. Just call a man … a man, or even better, use his name.
11. The 21st-century man doesn’t have all the answers. We’re just as full of doubts and insecurities and uncertainty as you are. We’re just as vulnerable and need just as much to feel warm and loved and safe. We’re still figuring it out, so please, be patient. And do try not to misunderstand us.

• Many men are not terribly adept at managing their vocal cues to communicate feelings. In fact, they may feel challenged and handicapped in this arena. It reminds me of when you admonish a child to apologize for a wrong behavior when he doesn’t want to do it. When you force it, the request for forgiveness comes out all wrong. He’ll shout, “I’m sorry!” in an angry voice and then run away. The words are there, but the tone conveys the opposite feeling. Similarly, women may not believe what men are saying when they express emotion or they may think their words lack commitment or authenticity.

• Men often feel misunderstood in these situations. Why? Because they’re sending two messages. On the one hand, they’re conveying their feelings, but on the other, they feel uncomfortable doing so. As a consequence, they may be gruff when expressing an endearment, they may mutter a compliment or yell an apology. Although the right words may be there, the unfriendly vocal cues indicate the degree of discomfort they may feel in articulating sentiment.
• Socialization may also be a factor here. Maybe boys did not receive enough reinforcement and practice in vocalizing as well as not being rewarded for expressing their feelings. Consequently, it can be awkward for boys and men to add the feeling dimension to their words. Research indicates that girls and boys grow up in what appears to be identical environments; however, they are nurtured in totally different social-emotional climates. In one study of three-month-old infants and their mothers, for instance, mothers talked more to their female babies and, consequently, the girls vocalized more in response to their mothers than mother-son pairs. These female infants actually got more practice talking than their male counterparts.
• As they grow older, toddler boys may see that parents (particularly fathers) frown upon verbal play for them—it is not manly to talk to dolls or mimic mother’s speech, even though she is most frequently the adult speech model at home. Boys’ play centers around action rather than talk. What boy talks to his action figures? His toys (trucks, planes, cars, soldiers, Transformers) are for feats of bravery. Not surprisingly, some research shows that preschool boys use more sound effects like engine and motor noises in their speech than girls do. Vroom, Vroom.
• On the other hand, girls’ playthings encourage interaction and verbalization rather than heroic action. Tea sets, stuffed animals, dress up clothes, dolls (especially those that talk such as “Chatty Cathy”), and play schools, all promote verbal interaction with playmates and the toys themselves.
• Finally, women often feel intimidated by a man’s loud voice. It slams them. They back down, feel downright fearful, and shut up in response! Unfortunately, that may be just the result the booming man is looking for. This is a common tool bullies use! When faced with a loud blast, it’s important for women not to respond in kind. They need not be loud back. Rather, it’s best to remain assertive, calm, and steady in their vocal style with enough volume to be heard but not overpowering.

The Elements of Male and Female

• Speaking about the fundamental differences between male and female, lets discuss the elemental tendencies of one’s physical and mental body body, explaining the significance behind this complementary engineering, and the possibility for one’s perception to rise beyond the physical nature.
• This need not be true for every individual, but generally, the female is leaning more towards water while the male is leaning more towards earth. This gives a female a certain level of flexibility, both in body and mind. Leaning towards the earth gives the male a certain sense of firmness and assertion, a certain rigidity, which also gives a certain strength of manifestation
• A lot of women think they are intuitive. It is not necessarily true with every woman, but by nature, because the experiential dimension of the female is a little higher than the logical, they may be a little less logical. As I said, this is not true with every individual. The general tendency is that a woman wants to experience life, while a man wants to understand life. It is a big difference, the way they approach it. This is mainly because of the tilt of the female towards water and the male towards earth. The other elements play differently in each individual.

Body and Brain

• There is no such thing as body and mind, there is just body, body and body! There is a physical body, there is a mental body and there is an energy body. There is no such thing as mind, as such. That is a European invention. Generally, the thought process that is happening is considered as mind. The thought process is just one aspect of the mental body. There is much more happening right across the system.
• By modern definition, what you are referring to as mind is just a certain amount of memory and intelligence. If you look at the nature of your body, every cell in your body has more memory – a trillion times more memory – than you carry in your conscious mind. And we always measure one’s intelligence in terms of the complexity of activity that one can perform. If one can do only simple things, we say, “He is a simpleton.” If one can do many complex things, then we say, “He is an intelligent person.” If you go by this definition, every cell in your body, every molecule of DNA in the system is performing more complex functions than your thought process can ever imagine.
• So both in terms of memory and the complexity of activity, which is referred to as intelligence, every cell in your body is far more than your entire brain put together. The only thing is, it is functioning on an automatic mode – you are not conscious of it. With the mental activity, as we refer to the psychological space, you can be reasonably conscious of it. But you are generally not conscious of the mental body that you carry.
• Both men and women can train themselves, or can become capable or competent of what the other is competent of, in the mental space. That is, a woman, by training, can very much become competent of whatever thought a man is competent of, or a man can become competent of whatever intuitiveness a woman may be competent of. But that will need a certain amount of training. By nature, they would tend to lean this way because in one, the earth element is strong, while in the other, the water element is strong or dominant.

Complementary Elements

• This disposition of elements in male and female is the way it is essentially to fulfill certain basic responsibilities of being male and female. These responsibilities can be argued about today in the modern world because we have created an artificial world of our own. Our cities, our homes, our dwelling places, our working places are all of our making. Here, the gender differences are leveled out.
• But if you lived in the wild, then you would see that these dispositions were naturally necessary. Above all, we exist because a woman that we call our mother bore us. This means that generating the next generation of people is the responsibility of the female body. Because of that, it is made in a certain way, and water is an important element for the reproductive purpose.
• The way these two dimensions of the human species are engineered elementally is complementary to each other till a certain age. After that, they reorganize themselves to become their own. After that, people may try to make their emotions paramount and still try to continue that, more out of habit and emotional insecurity. Otherwise, the rapport between these two dimensions – of leaning towards water and leaning towards earth on the elemental level – is only to a certain point.
• How quickly one works out of it also depends on how much akash one develops within themselves. Once one’s perception rises beyond the physical nature, then suddenly there is no male, there is no female. There is just a human form, which can be made competent in many different ways. Competence is not just of doing things, competence is of perception. Competence is as a life, not as a person – that one’s life can become more competent than another life to be alive. To be more alive than everything else around you, this means you know life in larger dollops than others.

Aspiring to Transcend

• Every human being is capable of this. It is just that socially, people are unfortunately conditioned to believe that they should continue with the same things that they have been doing all their life, otherwise you are a cop-out. Because of this very judgmental and stigmatizing society and out of their own emotional and psychological insecurities, they continue doing the same things. Otherwise, this aspiration of wanting to transcend is there in every human being. If they give themselves a little bit of time away from their office, from their family, from their friends, from social media, from their phones and computers, everyone will know that they need to transcend their present limitations, there is no question about it. They do not need a teaching, they do not need someone goading them all the time. Every human being will know if they just give themselves some time.